Andy Robinson would chop off both his arms and eat them in return for Scotland beating England tomorrow. He might not need to.
He has more than a fighting chance too, even if his team is rock bottom of the Six Nations table on zero points and an attack more constipated than England's.
Scotland have just lost to Italy, not scored a try in four of their last five games and their ace goal kicker Chris Paterson is injured.
They're staring at the Wooden Spoon and, in all probability, a humiliating whitewash if they lose this one as they finish up playing Ireland at Croke Park.
England's inability to score tries is well known but against Ireland they showed they can't stop them either.
So what do they do? Drop Lewis Moody, their best player this season, and again ignore Ben Foden, the one guy with the form to make something happen.
What is attack coach Brian Smith doing? He's supposed to be the left-field thinker on England's coaching staff.
Left-field? He's further right than Margaret Thatcher. England don't change their angles any more in the back line. There's no running off the ball, no change of direction. They don't even do simple switches any more.
His strategy must be to try and wear Scotland down for an hour and then send on Moody, Foden, Ben Youngs and Courtney Lawes to raise the tempo through the roof.
Problem is I reckon England will be in a hole by then. I take Scotland, with their impressive back row, to be ahead after an hour.
And history shows Murrayfield after dark, with all the passion Scotland fans bring to this fixture, is no place to be chasing a game.
Never before have I gone into a rugby game between England and Scotland thinking that Scotland will win. This is the first time.
So how do England go about keeping the smirk off Robbo's face? They can start by kicking a million times better.
Play with more tempo and more ambition, look after the ball and actually back themselves to beat people. In short, show some courage.
One player did that in the last game, Jonny Wilkinson. How on earth he came in for criticism I just don't know. He was England's best back by a country mile.
People need to look either side of him. Riki Flutey went completely missing against Ireland, Danny Care was not much better. He takes three steps and passes with his shoulders closed to the opposition so he never pulls the fringes in.
I would play Shontayne Hape at inside-centre and instruct him to be within five metres of Jonny at all times.
Jonny would then have someone to draw the focus off him, a big presence to beat people, to provide a change of angle and who Jonny can offload to under pressure.
But England haven't done that. I can only think Johnno has given these players a final warning. Deliver now or it's adios. If he hasn't he'd better get a move on.
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